I wish I was better

I look at my life and I wish I was better. This is not a passing thought but a continual one. I do not suffer from lack of self worth or the idea that I am a bad person. I just wish I was better. I wish I could handle the pile of details of life better.

Lyndsey once told me something about how we're both similar in that we expect more of ourselves than we expect of others. And that in doing so, we will always fail to meet those expectations. In other words, we try to be supermen (or superwomen, if you will) and accomplish superhuman feats.

I don't want x-ray vision or the ability to fly (I mean, I do want to fly but I don't have any honest expectation) but I still feel that I can do better.

Lately I seem to be unable to keep things in balance. I focus on details for small things instead of the bigger picture. I get bogged down in details. I worry. I get caught up in memories of the past and things I wish had occurred differently. I'm holding on to hold thoughts and emotions more than I had realized. I bury them but lately everything seems to be coming to the surface. Have I run out of land to bury them? Has my landfill filled up?

Now I'm focusing on my own discontentment at my inability to focus, which is itself both redundant and amusing.

I can at least realize that I need more discipline in so many more things. And while I genuinely want to enact change and be more disciplined, day after day, month after month goes by with little to no change except that I noticed that change has been at a habitual standstill.

I think I write about it now only because if I keep everything to myself, all these details and my sense of failing and my guilt at failing and my guilt at not being disciplined and the desire for more discipline and so on and so forth, it only perpetuates an endless cycle of mild chaos.

At the end of the day, I wish I did more for other people. I suppose the question to ask myself is what am I getting out of the things that I do? And is it enough?