I'm catching up on Grey's Anatomy -- don't talk to me about it yet because I'm three episodes behind.

I'm not looking forward to doing my taxes and am pretty much putting it off but at least I'm doing a better job of taking care of my apartment.

I've noticed a few things lately: I never seem to allow myself to sit in silence and that I can't want anything more until I can take care of what I have.

To speak the first thing, I always have sound around me. I used to think this was because was comforting but now I'm realizing more and more that I use sound as a way to distract myself. When I'm driving, there is always music on or the radio or a tap of a lecture. When I'm at home, even if I'm not watching television, it is virtually always on in one room or the other either tuning in to regular television or with something on DVD that I am "watching" by listening to it as I go around my apartment doing God knows what. Certainly not often cleaning it, as my friends can attest. It's not so much that I'm dirty as I don't seem to put anything away. Things sit in places, sometimes for months, because I don't know where to put them and while I wish they had a place, I'm not particularly motivated to actually find them one. Also, the sound sort of helps to drown out the neighbor who lives below me who seems to have a rather nice subwoofer (see previous entry about neighbors.) But even watching Grey's Anatomy at top volume right now doesn't drown out the sound of the base....

I want an office. I want a place where all I have is a desk and books and things that make me happy. I want a tranquil room. I don't want to have to hook up my laptop in my bedroom or at my kitchen table. I want a place to think. But I can recognize that I can't handle anything more right now than this one bedroom apartment. I can't keep it organized, I have trouble remembering to clean on a consistent basis, etc. And while I would like for it to be better, I can't seem to accomplish that. But I'm working on it. I'm not giving up. And hopefully when I get that figured out, there will be an office waiting for me....