Madeleine L'engle: Glimpses of Grace

I'm now starting to read Glimpses of Grace: Daily Thoughts and Reflections by Madeleine L'engle. I'm not entirely certain what it is, for it seems to be sort of part journal part excerpts from books but I suppose I will figure it out along the way.

I'm reminded again of how I failed to travel to New York to meet her before her death this past year. I wanted so terribly to meet her, to speak with her, to listen to the ideas I love matched with a face and a handshake and the sound of her voice. Not that I worship her but that I admire her and what she did. From reading some of her autobiographical works, I discovered that she struggled to be a mother and an author but accomplished both with tender success. Everyone knows her for her children's books but she's written so many novels and I love everything I've ever read by her.

I suppose I never made it there to see her, a writer in residence at an Episcopal church, because it seemed arrogant to go to her. It was claiming to be among her ranks. What could I possibly say that would be worth the visit to her? Now I wish I'd been strong enough to go. Coward that I am, I wish I had been courageous and just gone despite my awkward floundering.

Sometimes when people don't understand me, I wish they could just try to see past the awkwardness. Surely it is not this natural to be so awkward. Surely it is only a barrier to break through, as I and others have done time and time again with all my walls and self-consciousness. For years altogether the walls have vanished, only to be hastily built again at different times in my life. It makes me sad when people only know me as self-conscious and awkward -- because they think that's all I am. They don't know any better, it's not their fault, but it's still saddening that they don't see the potential or what used to be. They don't know to look for anything more.

And so, I try again. I tear down walls. I read more books, consider new ideas. Make new friends. I fall and get back up again. For, as the Chinese proverb says, the glory lies not in never falling but in rising each time you fall.