I have to wonder when I became such an awkward person.

Some people who've known me for years say I'm not and never have been. Others say I always have. Some people look at me a little puzzled when I mention it, as if it's not a big deal or terribly noticeable. A good example was going to a goodbye party at a bar Friday night with coworkers. I was doing fine enough -- but because I feel awkward about not drinking and because I know that if I'm not drinking while everyone else does that people will ask me why I'm not drinking, I for some reason feel the need to blurt it out and sort of explain why. I make a bid deal about the thing that I would like not to not be made a big deal of. I'm my own worst enemy.

I just don't drink. And it really doesn't matter why, I don't have a problem with the fact that other people drink. My problem is that I feel out of place in a world where everyone else does and yet I can't bring myself to do it simply to fit in.

In new situations, it seems, I go one of two ways. I'm either markedly outgoing or introverted and shy. Chicago, it seems, has brought out introverted and shy. But how do I forget to be self-conscious? How do I know think about what I'm thinking about? Even thinking about not thinking about it is thinking about it....